Prescott Kenneth Brown: February 16, 2018

Prescott,

I love you. I love you so much already. This pregnancy has been so different from your sisters. You have taken all my energy from me, and I don't mind it as much as I should. You may have taken all my energy but you are my little champ. When you were in my belly, even from the very beginning, I knew that you were going to be different than your sisters. I wasn’t sure how or why but I just knew something about you was not the same. When we found out you were a boy I figured that was what it was, but that unsettled feeling never really went away. I was constantly worried that you were not doing well in there. When I didn’t see your hands or feet as clearly as we could your sisters I was worried you weren’t developing right. When we got in our accident I was worried you had been hurt. You were fine. As the weeks progressed I let the worries slide to the back of my mind but they never left me. Every appointment you sounded good. You looked good and you were wiggly, sometimes even unbearably wiggly. I loved feeling your sweet wiggles as you grew bigger. 

Then we had an ultrasound to make sure you were still growing right because my belly just seemed so much bigger than you should’ve been. At that appointment, we were told you had lots of excess fluid in there with you but I wasn’t a risk just yet and to come back in two weeks and have you checked again. Little did I know that a week later you would be here. 

On Thursday, February 15th we had had a busy day. Your sister Boston had school and dance like always and we did what we always do. We took her where she needed to be. We dropped her off and watched as she happily ran into her class to have her valentines party. We came home and watched Frozen with Charlotte and snuggled. We waited for Sister to be done with school and we picked her up. The whole day my belly had been hurting. I thought I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions and so, I just went about my day. I took Big Sister to dance. We argued about her clothes as we always do and we headed off to dance class. I went upstairs and waited for her like always, chatted with the other moms even though I was uncomfortable and my belly felt like it was going to blow. Boston threw a huge fit on the way home and went straight to bed. Then we put your sister Charlotte to bed. I sang them their songs and said their prayers and gave them kisses. Like always, Boston asked to kiss you. She loves you so much. I let her give you hugs and kisses and then I went back downstairs to be with daddy. We watched our shows and I bugged him about everything we had to get done before you came. And how you needed clothes and how exciting it was that you would be here in just a few short weeks (we were wrong about that one for sure). Daddy headed off to see a movie like he often does and I headed upstairs to go get ready for bed. My belly was hurting so much and I thought maybe I needed to go to the bathroom so I went and I was scared because there was a lot of spotting. I thought at first maybe it was nothing but then it didn’t go away. So I sent a text to daddy to let him know what had happened and that I would watch it. Daddy didn’t like that he wanted me to call Papa to be sure. So I called grandma and told her and she came right away, even though she was 45 minutes away, (because that is what a good mommy does, and I have a fantastic mommy). Then I called papa. Papa said I needed to go to the doctor but I didn’t want to worry your daddy too much and I didn’t want to make him come home for nothing. But he did. He came home and we headed to Logan. As we drove we talked about you and your sisters and daddy drove a little too fast. But we made it to Logan and we got all checked in. They monitored you and tried to figure out why I was bleeding. And they monitored my contractions which were every 2 or so minutes at this point. We had an ultrasound to see if I had lost any fluid and they said it was a little high but not abnormally high (which seemed weird to me since it had been so high just a week before) but they felt like everything looked good and gave me a medication to help spread out and eventually stop my contractions and told me to go home and get some rest.  I was frustrated feeling like they hadn’t figured out what was really wrong but we packed up and headed home. Daddy and I talked about sleeping in and daddy going to work late and laughed at silly things. Then when we got home I had a contraction when it ended I stood up to get out of the car and my water broke. So after arguing with Grandma and Papa about how tired I was, we headed back to the hospital. When we got there they did a quick test and it was clear that my water had broken and you would be coming shortly. I wasn’t scared. I was ready to meet you. You were so wiggly they had a hard time keeping the monitor on you because you kept moving. It was reassuring to me to know that you were wiggly in there. That meant you were strong and it helped me feel confident that you would be OK. They prepared me for my C-section and I started to feel a little nauseous and then threw up. Once that happened I felt better and I was ready for them to bring you into this world. Because of your papa though I was prepared to not get to hold you for a while. Papa made sure I knew you might have lung problems. He made sure I was ready for it. The doctors had a hard time getting you out but when they finally did and I heard your sweet little tiny cry I was so happy. I watched them take you over and weigh you, you were so tiny. So much smaller than your sisters. I just stared at you as they cleaned you off and counted all your fingers and toes and checked your breathing. I knew by the way the nurses were hovering over you that I wouldn’t get to hold you but I was OK. Daddy followed you off and made sure you were well taken care of. Soon after your sisters showed up and I was able to spend some time with them before I was brought to see you in the NICU. they rolled me in and handed you over to me. It was so nice being able to hold you for a few moments before I had to go back upstairs. We have only been able to hold you once since then and it was a wonderful 15 minutes. Now we are just waiting. Waiting on you and your body to tell us you are ready to go home. We love you so much, and we can’t wait to take you home. And as hard as it is for mommy I know soon enough we will get to snuggle and be together all the time. You, my son, are an incredibly strong little boy. 

When Boston got to see you she was so excited that you were finally here. She loves you so much! Today (02-18-18) she got to see you without your CPAP and could just see that she was absolutely in love with you. She sang you a song as you cried. She is going to be your fiercest protector. She won't let anyone hurt you. Boston asks about you every day. She can't wait to have you home.
 
Charlotte hasn't really had a chance to understand that you are here. She is so busy in her own little world, but I know when she finally meets you she will stay close to you, she will be your best friend. Showing you all the "fun" things to do in our house and teaching you all about how to get into trouble and then use your cuteness to get right back out of it. She is going to love you so much. 

Daddy..., daddy has been here the whole time. He has stayed every night as long as he can and has been here as early as possible every day. The whole first day of your life he stayed in your room he wouldn't leave. He sat there and watched and waited. I know it was killing him that he couldn't hold you and just fix everything. Daddy loves you so much already. He is so excited to watch you grow up and share all the things that he loves with you. Daddy is so happy to have you in our family. I know he is having a hard time watching you every day, he doesn't want to see you hurt in any way. That's what daddies do. They want to protect their kids from everything. 

I know you already know this but I have been here too. I love holding your hand and talking to you. You seem to like it too. When I got to hold you, you were the calmest and most relaxed that I had seen you. You looked like you were missing me, and I know that I was missing you. We shared everything for the last 8 months. How could we not miss each other? Those 15 brief minutes were so helpful to me. I look forward to the day that I get to hold you again.  You are doing better every day and I can't wait to get you home and get our family into our new normal. I love you so much! (I have been able to hold you a few times now and it just fills my heart every time I get to.) Every day you get better and better. I know people want to hear that things are amazing and you get to go home but it is still the small victories that we are celebrating. The day they took you off your CPAP was a huge day for me. Since then it has been little things like when you opened your eyes for the first time. You looked so confused. It was so sweet. Or the day that daddy caught a little smile on video. Every time they reduce your oxygen support is a small win for me. I am getting a little crazy sitting here but I will do it as long as I have to so that I can bring you home. 

We are all so excited to have you here. Even if it is a little earlier than we had all planned on. Even if it is a rough start to your life. 

Love, 

 Mommy